Fighting the wolves. Again.

black and white lavenderFor a long time I’ve been fighting the black dog. I have blogged often enough about the black dogs. In fact, for those who don’t know, I use my blog as therapy. Over the years, I was put on antidepressants, I had to fight to not have them. I eventually sopped taking AD’s because I felt they made me quite numb and not responsive to the world around me. I thought that my quality of life would be better if I consciously fought the black dogs without the AD’s, then I would be more receptive to those around myself.

Those who visit here will know that I have had my bouts of the black dog, but I have always managed to bounce back. I did not however take into consideration that when the black dogs saw that I have possibly mastered their cunning, that they would call in the big guns, the wolves.

For the past few months the wolves have been tormenting me so much that I have not been able to write, I haven’t been able to focus on anything for terribly long. I find that in this world there is not much understanding as people need from us what they need. If we are unable to give what they need, then we will be placed at the end of the list.

Today, however, I can let some of these words and emotions out. I am medicated (lightly) at the moment, not as badly as before, but just enough to keep the nerves from jangling and to keep me closing in on myself internally. If you understand what my previous sentence means then I am grateful for the understanding, if you don’t understand, then just dismiss that.

I do not have the blues… Recurrent Major Depression has nothing to do with the blues. It is a very bad internal balance which affects my thought process, my self-respect and just everything overall.

I am not apologising for anything, I just feel the need to say. Often when I write things out, I sometimes gain wisdom from re-reading my words. It helps me look at myself objectively, and sometimes that helps me to find a way out of the dark woods and away from the wolves.