Blog, Writing, Mind, Path.

Lily-pThere was a time when I couldn’t stop writing and blogging.  My mind was constantly thinking about writing this and writing that, but then I’d end up writing about something completely different to what I intended writing.

My blog was mostly a sounding board and my psychologist.  That works well when the readers express their views.  I found I had a the opportunity to see things from many different angles because of the different opinions.  I appreciated that very much.  I also appreciated that people actually took the time to read what I had written. I have deleted most of the really heavy posts.

Most of my blog friends will know that I had spoken a lot about abuse and the after effects.  I think I have conquered some of those effects but the serious ones still linger.  The effects I have not spoken about and can’t really speak about now is how ones childhood abuse affects ones choices as an adult.  That typically one just simply moves into another abusive state or situation.

I still write, but I have been advised to write the thing out and burn it.  I have to make sure I watch it burn.  I have a different type of therapist now, her techniques seem to be working well with me.  My deep depressive states that I go into are still there but I’m finding it easier to pull out of them now.

I am now in the middle, I’m not happy, I’m not sad, but I can drop to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds.  This is not a good thing, but I have to pull myself through these times.  Some dark spells last very long and others stay a little while…then my head clears again.

I don’t really know what the point is if writing this, other than feeling very closed in.  I think writing somehow clears a small path to get outside of ones head.  I think it’s time to start writing again to clear a path…


“Church Face”

ChurchB&WThroughout my life, I have been quite trusting to a degree. Sometimes there are those people who we trust straight away. It could be because they remind us of someone else, or they have a way of making one feel at ease. The problem is that very often people are not what they seem to be.

I am probably going to make myself quite unpopular, but please be aware that I don’t paint everyone with the same brush. I know there are genuine Christians who live their lives accordingly. I applaud them for being diligent in their beliefs. Again, let me say that I know very good Christians.  I have a friend who is very near and dear who is a full and sincere Christian.

My big problem is with the “Fake Christian.” Now and then I spot them, but when I start getting irked is when their profile updates or captions about themselves read as “God is good” or “Praise the Lord every day.” When I know that there are irregularities going on in their lives, such as having affairs and not living the lives they profess to be living. Then, come Sunday, they don on their church faces and holier than thou innocent looks.

One might argue that this is the reason they go to church because they are not living as they profess to and that they are there for inspiration. They are trying to live a holier life, but then, why if one is going to be a “God is Good” person and one has for example been having an affair for a very long period, then why has the continuous Sunday church going not changed the personal behaviour. Why parade the slogans of what they are not.

I am not perfect, in fact, I am “very imperfect” in many ways. I don’t have slogans about how I supposedly live my life. I am not a fake Christian. Nowadays I don’t even know if I am good enough actually to class myself into the Christian category. I just try my hardest to do my best. A lot of the time my best is quite bad because I don’t see myself as good.

I get hurt and irked when I am affected by these fake people or when people near and dear to me are affected by these fakes. I’m writing this to get it out of my system because I am finding life, its people and the world extremely hard to deal with.

Now, to find a photo to go with this post…