Fighting the wolves. Again.

black and white lavenderFor a long time I’ve been fighting the black dog. I have blogged often enough about the black dogs. In fact, for those who don’t know, I use my blog as therapy. Over the years, I was put on antidepressants, I had to fight to not have them. I eventually sopped taking AD’s because I felt they made me quite numb and not responsive to the world around me. I thought that my quality of life would be better if I consciously fought the black dogs without the AD’s, then I would be more receptive to those around myself.

Those who visit here will know that I have had my bouts of the black dog, but I have always managed to bounce back. I did not however take into consideration that when the black dogs saw that I have possibly mastered their cunning, that they would call in the big guns, the wolves.

For the past few months the wolves have been tormenting me so much that I have not been able to write, I haven’t been able to focus on anything for terribly long. I find that in this world there is not much understanding as people need from us what they need. If we are unable to give what they need, then we will be placed at the end of the list.

Today, however, I can let some of these words and emotions out. I am medicated (lightly) at the moment, not as badly as before, but just enough to keep the nerves from jangling and to keep me closing in on myself internally. If you understand what my previous sentence means then I am grateful for the understanding, if you don’t understand, then just dismiss that.

I do not have the blues… Recurrent Major Depression has nothing to do with the blues. It is a very bad internal balance which affects my thought process, my self-respect and just everything overall.

I am not apologising for anything, I just feel the need to say. Often when I write things out, I sometimes gain wisdom from re-reading my words. It helps me look at myself objectively, and sometimes that helps me to find a way out of the dark woods and away from the wolves.

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57 thoughts on “Fighting the wolves. Again.

  1. Michelle I am sorry for your struggle, and hope you can find your way out of those woods. Depression is a cruel disease so misunderstood by so many which only makes it more difficult to cope with. I hope your written words help in some small way, and that the darkness will lift soon. Hugs to you my friend ❤ ❤

  2. I understand what you mean completely. I have fought with depression and took Zoloft for a time. I hated how it made me numb, like you said. Numbing the pain was fine of course, but when it numbs the good, I didn’t like it. So just know you are not alone. And those of us who understand will always listen:)

  3. I certainly understand your words and this post.
    I was on ADs for many years, sometimes, rather heavily.
    Right now, I am on Amitripthyline (sp), a light and older medication which keeps any tendency toward anxiety at bay. It is also and AD, but I am told that I show no signs of depression, but that if you treat anxiety without an anti-depressant also, you will have problems.
    Anyway, thank you for sharing. It helps to know where you are coming from.
    It makes me feel closer to you,
    Scott

  4. Been a while, has it not? Nice to ”see ” you again, M.
    ”Just enough to keep the nerves from jangling.” Yeah, I can understand this!
    Pop over a look at the photos. Might make you smile a bit.

  5. Just know you’re not alone Michelle. Sometimes I hate myself for feeling the way I do and no AD’s help for me. It sucks getting older and I wish my hormones took me with them when they left for some exotic island. 😆

    Great shot you took. I love it and it looks great in B&W. 😀

    Hang in there hon. You are in my thoughts. 😀 ♥ Hugs ♥

  6. I’m so sorry that the ‘wolves’ are in full force. There are many who definitely understand exactly what you mean. During the past couple of years there has been a lot of stress, and some say to me that perhaps your depression is back.. It is easy to tell for those who have felt it… the difference between feeling the blues, or even sadness ‘and’ depression.

    I pray Michelle that these feelings pass or at least lessen in intensity for you whether on or off of meds to help and you might experience some joy in your life where now there are ‘the wolves’. Diane xx

  7. I’m so sorry you are suffering Michelle. No one deserves clinical depression. You will be in my thoughts and prayers Michelle. I am glad writing is therapy for you as it is for me. I read in a book once that “Expression is the great enemy of depression.” I’m hoping you will start feeling better real soon.

  8. It’s up and down, Hope. Granny has to force herself to keep goin on lately too and when she’s finally in her good vibes, there comes wolfie again…. Take care of yourself, don’t fight to hard, hold on some energy for yourself, you’re worth it! Extra Pawkiss 🙂 ❤

  9. I tried it without ad and it was a disaster. There is nothing weak about taking them. I am on half the dose I was before and feel normal. I also use exercise every day and it works for me.

  10. It was definitely kismet that I came across your blog today. (read my about page if you’d like clarification)

    I’m waiting on an insurance fiasco to become rectified so I may get my Rx refilled. It’s tough, but I know I need my meds. No judgment at all towards you. Only Love and Light.
    Thank You for being.

Namaste. My soul honors your soul. I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honor the light, love, truth, beauty & peace within you, because it is also within me. In sharing these things we are united, we are the same, we are one.

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