I’m sorry, but I just have to write this post…

PosRose1-p-For those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time now will know that I suffer from “Recurrent Major Depression.” You will also have realised that I blame my years of growing up with an abusive father for this depression. I suppose I could be wrong, maybe I was just born broken, who knows. It was, for this reason, that I started a blog, I found it therapeutic to write.

I have been feeling very low, very blue, or rather all the shades of darkness anyone could imagine. I’ve been trying to pull myself out of this, but it’s very difficult. Reading helps me a lot when I’m not feeling right, but that sometimes also does not work as I can’t concentrate. Β  I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. It’s as if I just can’t be me.

I have been trying to analyse why this depression has hit me so heavily again and then out of the blue I realised…

A few weeks ago I received an invitation on the Saturday afternoon for the birthday of my father that was on the next day, the Sunday. They obviously did and didn’t want me there, but decided that it would probably be right, for appearances you know, for me to be invited, hence the very late invitation. I obviously did not go, because why the hell should I have? What’s more is I didn’t even have the decency to RSVP.

A day or two after the “birthday bash.” I saw photos on Facebook of my father and all the family around him. As if he is so special. There were comments from his grandchildren and the rest of the family which said things like “Oupa, we love you so much.”

I know that I am the only person within the family who suffered his abuse. I think he knew it would be too dangerous to abuse anyone else; otherwise it would tarnish his wonderful image. He has managed to make me look like the bad one. The daughter who does not love or respect him. This is typical behaviour of an abuser. My family, except for my mother, is unaware of the abuse. I was such an outcast already so telling my story about him will just make them shun me more.

There have been one or two cases in the media in which women have taken their alleged abusers to court years later. I don’t think I have that much gumption. I am not strong enough, and I don’t want to relive events. I have however heard on different occasions where people have commented on these cases that are being written about in the media, as to why these women took so long to come forward with their accusations. Somehow it seems that people automatically think that because the accusations came so many years later that it can’t be true.

When an abuser abuses a child or a vulnerable person, or a person who may be an adult but has no power. They use threats, and they know just which threats to use. They will think nothing of telling a child that something terrible will happen to her mother if she tells. Already they are being harmed by this abuser so, in the mind of the abused, they do not think that this is just a mere threat. Β Emotional blackmail, thats what it is.

So, here I sit again, thinking, hurting, feeling sick and not being able to cope because of that stupid little trigger. Β I will get better and pull out of this feeling sooner or later, but for now it lingers.

I feel so alone, I know I have some lovely and very beautiful souls around me which I thank God for, but still I feel desperately alone…in my mind.

135 thoughts on “I’m sorry, but I just have to write this post…

  1. No wonder you are depressed. This is absolutely horrifying and I wish I could think of what to suggest but I don’t know. Please take care and get better again. Perhaps it might be time to speak up but who am I to say. Sending love.

  2. My girl in the eyes of this old man you can only be strong and that is why you spoke your mind – best therapy out. I think after you posed this the dark cloud of the black dog will disappear faster than you can imagine. Enjoy a glorious “I don’t care” weekend.

    PS I agree with your action re the party.

  3. To me I didn’t find your post saddening but humorous. When you say you got the invitation hours to the party…I couldn’t stop myself..then you go ahead and analyse the situation haha I loved it. Cheers. We should come up with a plan to assasinate him.

  4. I can relate in many wayz, the littlest thing might set me off, although my depression comes from lack of acceptance i guess, of a couple of things, first of my PKD it naturally causes it they say!,,,any emotional trauma frum my past that i have not accepted , well it kicks my ass,,,an even many things i think i had accepted an forgiven, well they still linger, so is unexplainable, comes an goes yes with the weather, so just my 2 cents werth sweetheart! take care .love & light across an down unda da planet to U.. HUGZZZZZZZZZ . Q

  5. I agree with the above comment. I do hope u feel better soon tho & thank u so much for writing this I too can relate a hole lot. *Hugs* ps I’m a new follower & love Ur blog!!! =) *This too shall pass.”

  6. Unless someone has stood in another’s shoes, they have no right to pass judgement on why and when a person decides to reveal something from their past. There is so much at play here, the frustration you must feel knowing this man is a fake, that he smiles and those around him know nothing of the evil he has done. That alone puts you in an unhealthy state of mind, being torn between wanting to scream it out loud, and knowing if you did your other relationships would suffer for it, setting you apart. So much with abuse remains unresolved, cannot be taken back, colors one’s life. You have the ability to create beautiful things, photos, your kindness towards animals(and ducks) shine through, your love for your children, so your past has fortunately not taken away such wonderful qualities- but because we cannot change the past, even if we move on, something like receiving that invite brings it back,and makes it worse seeing the smiling faces. It is unjust and unfair. There is a man in my town who came forward last year and started an organization for adults who suffered abuse as children and teens, he has given voice to people who had covered it over and lived with never telling. It was a courageous thing for him to do, but many also said “why now” as if because it happened 40 years ago it was gone. I am sorry you are having a dark time, and I hope it can lift soon, Michelle ❀ ❀

  7. You do good to speak of this Michelle – blocking it inside of you does not help. If asked, you should tell your family. If they do not believe you, that is their decision but at least you would have been open about your experience. As News Ferret say, have a weekend filled with fun. And remember those who love you and surround you. Hugs.

  8. I’m not sure there is a right or wrong course of action in this case. The only course is the one that makes you feel better. Feel better soon and celebrate recovery. It’s the only way to take away his power over you and to give that power back to yourself.

  9. Dear HH – There is a Swedish proverb that says: β€œShared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” May your sorry be diminished through sharing. So many others can relate, understand, and comfort. May your sorrow be comforted.

  10. Talking is the best therapy and by writing about it here you have begun the process.
    I know a few people who are in the same position as you.
    I have had discussions with a number of my friends about the issue of ‘historical abuse’ and why it has taken those people so long to expose their abusers – I’m afraid most don’t understand and there is always an element of disbelief. I say it’s got nothing to do with anyone else but the two people involved and at the end of the day only they know Exactly what went on and no-one else has the right to judge. It must be doubly difficult for the abusees to have their personal lives discussed in the media!

    “Non illegitimati carborundum” – don’t let the bastards wear you down!

    Stay strong and look after yourself and know that you are not alone xx

  11. Those of us who have been following you for some time do understand the need and reasons for your posting about it. And we are glad you have found this outlet to help you.
    You need not apologize or say you are sorry. You most likely are helpful to someone else who has experienced abuse.

  12. While I cannot relate to the abuse I can relate to the trigger.
    My younger brother died in a car accident when he was 18 and almost every year I find my self miserable and crotchety for no apparent reason until it’s pointed out or I remember – Yep, it’s October again, and once that’s done I relax.
    Strange after so long, but it’s happens, regular as clockwork.

  13. I wanted to add: My issue is a lot easier to deal with than yours, M, and I would not presume to know the best way to deal with it.
    Each case must be weighed on its merits, I’m sure. Depression is like trying to go for a gentle stroll with 100 kilos on your back! But how to chuck off the back pack? Ah, that is the real question, is it not?

  14. I can understand why certain things trigger us into dark places. And sometimes, once we are there it is hard to find the light, hard to get out. I am so sorry that you have been hurt by those who should hold you dear. But it is good to know you have wonderful people around you now. Sometimes, the best family we have are the ones we find later in life:)

  15. Much love to you at this dark time, but you are never alone in the darkness, God is there with you, you just need to turn. As a survivor of abuse which is miniscule compared to your load, I know there is a way out and you don’t have to be depressed. As a Christian blogger, I wanted to tell you or show you a link to Joyce Meyer who survived years of paternal abuse, but the website is down, typical! But maybe you might find some comfort in this testimony from Andrew Wommack ministries.

  16. Dearest Michelle, I think more people than we realize are dealing with or have dealt with similar situations. Not that that makes dealing with it any easier. It makes me sad when I think of how abuse has such a long-term affect on the victim. Especially knowing that it’s not the victim’s fault. The one who should be hurting is the one who has no feelings of remorse or guilt. So, the rest of us have to pull up our bootstraps and put on a happy face. So, darlin’, let’s do it! Let’s show them they can’t win by having a good weekend. Love and hugs.

  17. Man I wish I lived closer πŸ™‚ I would share my gumption with you and we would surly attend the next foray. He is a sick man and he knows it go seek help till I live closer HUGS

  18. I’m sorry Michelle you are having to experience these feelings and I hope that you will soon be feeling much better. There are many people on WP that love you and I believe that love conquers all. It will help you conquer this too. I also believe in, “what goes around comes around,” and your father’s abuse toward you will come back to him in the end. When negative emotions came flooding back to me from triggers I finally started putting them into imaginary helium balloons and letting them go. Maybe you could stuff your dad into one of those balloons and picture letting it go. It may sound silly but it really helps!

  19. I, too, am a survivor of abuse on many levels who is trying to be a thriver! Hope, you offer so much through your work that it is clear to us that you are beautiful. Depression is so hard. I have chronic and deep depression which, as with you, comes and goes. My prayers are with you, honey! ❀

  20. I’m so sad to read your story, but I want to say that you are such a brave woman to post it. I hope it does help more in getting rid of the dark clouds that are hanging over you. I to would not have gone to the party.

    Having written it all down and posting it on your blog, have you ever spoke to anybody in person about what happened? I’m just wondering if that would help you move on a little faster, as you say by writing about it, it has helped you a little.

    • I have had lots of therapy, I think I must have exhausted my therapist to extremes. I find though, after going through all those motions of therapy and medication that the best way for me to deal with all this is to write. Thank you for reading and for your kindness Hugh. 🌻

  21. Michelle, I so much admire your courage and strength. I totally agree with El Guapo, keep on rockin’ on!! Your posts are often very uplifting for me, one who just changed his medications for severe depressive disorder. Be well my friend!!

  22. I’m so sorry that this occasion and the subsequent FB photos and comments have triggered your depression again. I really admire those women who have spoken out against their abusers, even after so many years. The hurt never goes away, even after the perpetrator is long dead, and it sits there on a hair trigger until something happens to set it off again. Hugs to you. xx

  23. Hi Michelle, Don’t even think of apologizing.. We are here for one another. I have been on the receiving end of support. It is so absurd that the one who is victimized, sometimes ends up thinking they are somehow to blame. It must be do difficult to have everyone rave about how special your father is, when you know differently. Instead of taking all this ‘into’ yourself, … when you can, turn all the bad feelings right where they belong… (to your father) . .. Toss them out of your mind, and instead be reminded of how special you are to many … and think of all your wonderful characteristics that you have… kindness, compassion, caring, loving.. etc etc. because you are! Diane

  24. Oh My Dear,
    I did not fully realize what you have been through; I doubt I do now. However, I am so very happy you chose to write and I chose to read..
    I was not abused, but my self-esteem was brought down so horribly when I was little that I carried those problems with me through adulthood. I prayed for help and tried most everything I could think of. When I had my stroke, those feelings all but left. I am happy with myself and comfortable with those around me. i still get a little of it now and then, but only just a spot.
    What I do remember is how I felt and that helps me understand how you felt.
    I wish I was there with you and could tell you how special you are, what I have seen on your blog, the growth you have made, and try to help keep you safe while you pass through this.
    Your dear friend,

  25. Oh Michelle, don’t let him hurt you any more. You are a beautiful person and stronger than he is. I was abused by a stranger when I was 13. It was horrible and that feeling didn’t leave me for a long time – in the end I decided that what hurt me then has no power over me now and can’t hurt me anymore. What helps me now is when things are so dark for me I make myself go out and look for beauty around me. Bright colours. I know that sounds simplistic but it does help. Your photos are amazing and you are strong. You are because you have survived despite all this. Thinking of you.

  26. Oh Michelle, my heart breaks for what you are feeling right now. I am in tears and wanting to hug you and talk with you so much! You have experienced the worst type of abuse a child can face. The only thing I can say is let yourself feel, write, cry, talk about it to whoever will listen, and let God hold you throughout it all. Much love to you, my friend. I’ll be praying for you.

  27. Dear Hope, I’m so sorry you have to go through this and I hope you feel better soon. I had a simular situation and I let it out, when I was about 46 years. I have never felt so relieved in my entire life until that day. Keep your head up, don’t let this get to you. You’re worth so much more. Wishing you all the best…and Little Binky sends you extra purrs and Pawkisses to feel better soon πŸ™‚ ❀

  28. Depression can be a paralyzing thing. Congratulations on finding your source of relief – writing – and sharing your experiences with a family of non-judgmental online friends. I admire your transparency too about the source of your depression and the triggers that bring on the darkness, and I often wish I was brave enough to follow your lead. You will emerge once again from this sadness my friend and the anger will also disappear. πŸ™‚ ~Dor

  29. First off, there is no need to apologize for this post. You should be applauded for sharing the feeling.
    I agree with annarashbrook’s comments. I’m not sure if this is the link annarashbrook was refering to, but this is Joyce Myers story. http://www.howibeatdepression.com/how-joyce-meyer-beat-depression/
    Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.Prov 3:5-6
    Thank you LORD for giving my blogger friend the strength to share her story.

  30. This is my first time to comment on your post. I saw it on Facebook…I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and I wish that there was something I could say or do to help you. I have a daughter who is 57 she also suffers with depression and I only discovered that this year. I live in Bulgari and she is in UK and it hurts me that I cannot be there to help here . We have only FB messenger in which to communicate as she does not have wifi or telephone…..Would it help you to talk to someone when you are feeling bad…I can send you my phone number…I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts

  31. You will come through it. You have before.

    Then remember “The best revenge is living well”, which means having your own happy life and what that person says or does means nothing in your life, neither positive or negative. When you reach that stage, you have won your battle.

  32. I have no words to change things but sending ‘e-hugs’ and hope they help strengthen you to stand tall and proud of yourself when this point in time makes you crumble. Remember in moving forward it is still ok to grieve and feel anger just as it is ok to laugh and enjoy your life xx

  33. Michelle, my heart aches for you, and no words can ever make up for what has happened. Just know I am thinking of you and can emphasise with all those conflicting emotions towards your family – which of course are made even more difficult as they aren’t aware of your pain.
    I hope writing your post helped in some small way. You are a strong and beautiful woman of that there is no doubt, it’s your family that are missing out! Take care hunni, lots of love and hugs ❀

  34. Michelle, I’m sure you know that anyone who clicked “like” did not actually like reading this. I have been abused also, but not to the degree that I am sure you have been. I suffered through years of loneliness and depression but was never (wrongly) diagnosed until seven years ago when I finally had a meltdown. Therapy did not help- and it has made me opposed to drugs to alleviate the depression. Most people feel the side effects are worth taking the chance but those are not “side” effects. They are the effects of the drugs. And it makes it much more difficult to break from what you are feeling, thinking. It’s a heck of a long road. Some people don’t make it. But I think you are right to turn your back on the cause of your emotional state. And I think the best thing you can do is to face the cause in your blog and the way you live your life. What others think of you does not matter. They can not hold you down. Only you can do that by believing and listening to them. Listen, believe, in yourself. And keep on fighting. It’s a daily struggle, I know. I hope it gets better for you. Emilio

  35. Why are you apologising Hope?
    I think it is incredibly brave of you to write this post.
    Your father is a bastard.
    There is no law that says you have to love him.
    When you let him get to you he is winning.
    Stay tough.
    Lots of love.

  36. {{{{HUGS}}}} and ditto Emilio above… My “like” 4 post is not a like for situation. Know that you are a beautiful & wonderful person. I enjoy your blogs…. Even tho I am often a silent reader. Have enjoyed the little gosling- such a treasure.

  37. I’m so sorry for your pain, Hope. You are a wonderful person and expressing yourself through writing is probably the best thing you can do. I, too, suffer sometimes from depression and often I can trace it back to some event or another as well. Keep on keeping on – it will get better. It’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it, though.

  38. I hope that those who need the support of someone who has traveled these roads get the message of what you are sending. Each of the ones who’ve experienced this type of trauma walk their own path. You are the vehicle that transports the reader to the place they need to go. May your guidance keep the weary on a positve raod to bliss.

  39. Speaking out helps but the hurt stays. That’s what I find in everyday life. One voice, one color, one, sound or anything triggers this feeling. I feel for you, I even sometime react when the telephone rings and don’t answer it for in cases. Hugs and lots of love.

  40. Oh, I’m so sorry Michelle. That was a BIG trigger and you seeing all that on social media– well, no wonder you’re feeling sick and hurting! I’m glad you wrote about it though…. it shows the real strength in you. Hope you feel better soon. You’re in my thoughts.

  41. This is my first visit to your blog and for whatever reason, I gravitated to this post–and boy can I relate! You are not alone, my dear, even though you may feel that you are. Just as I often do. I must say that I admire your courage to reach out to others and to express your thoughts and emotions. I have yet to write using my own voice (except for poetry, which I do not share with anyone) about my life–I write through my dog’s “voice” on a blog I created for her. I hope to one day be as brave as you. But anytime I come close to writing anything meaningful, I get scolded by my parents. And I’m in my late 30s! They still continue to emotionally abuse, bully, and blackmail me. How dare I paint them as such villains, they would say, when I’m just trying to vent a bit and reach out for emotional support. Like it’s my fault that they’re monsters. Anyhow, I wanted to also mention that I am disconnected from my emotions–it’s a defense/coping mechanism, I believe–so that it usually takes me quite some time before I realize what I’m actually upset about. I get the impression we have this in common, as well. Well, keep up with the writing and all the best to you! *big hugs*

  42. Not just women had these experiences. Mine happened fifty years ago and they hand aroung my neck until this day like the albatross that will not let go.

Namaste. My soul honors your soul. I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honor the light, love, truth, beauty & peace within you, because it is also within me. In sharing these things we are united, we are the same, we are one.

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