An on the couch post.

vintagerose

Those who know how OCD can get a grip of ones mind will understand this.  A psychiatrist once explained to me that the brain goes into a sort of a loop and keeps looping around instead of sparking evenly.

That might not make sense to some, but to me it certainly does make a whole lot of sense.  My problem on some days is that not only does my brain seem to go into a loop, but feel as though I have a loop around myself too.  As though my mind is spinning irrationally, and my body is also in this sort of a loop bubble, where I am talking and explaining, but no one seems to understand, but also they don’t really care because they think I’m just talking normally.  Then the irrationality of it all just gathers in the invisible bubble and pushes back to me again.

I am then drowning in the repetitiveness of my own words.   I’m holding out my hand, which no one takes.  How can I expect anyone to understand? It is at moments like this, sometimes they are short-lived, but sometimes they are much longer, that I wish, I just wish that someone would tell me to stop thinking, and say that it is all ok.  I would like to thrash these loops to pieces. Should I even be posting this… what the heck.

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45 thoughts on “An on the couch post.

  1. I can relate to these infinite loops – you just want to get off this crazy ride in your head but there’s nobody at the wheel to put the brakes on! It can be very draining in my experience and makes me just want to hide away. Hugs to you.

  2. Wow, its amazing what our minds can do to us sometimes, I always think that writing it down and getting it out of your mind is the best way to “set it free” so you don’t feel controlled by your thoughts, this is what I do anyway. I hope you feel better!

  3. Of course you should have posted it – for the brief time it took you write, you weren’t stuck in feedback, going round and round and round … I used to use certain traits found in OCD as an example to help improve study skills in fields my undergrads experienced anxiety in … I’ll try to put together some notes on it.
    I completely understand this one though – one of the features of my autism, which can be hardest to deal with are the similar loops which begin ticking away when I’m working on certain problems which fail to make sense, in the sense that they are seemingly impossible to verify, or find a way to establish validity, when they should – so you go through permutation after permutation looking for answer; which can be exhausting and repetitive. It doesn’t happen very often in that context – with people, it is pretty common-place but I know it’s not viable to limit exposure to certain personality types.
    What’s important is to find a way to declutter after the event and not return to it, which is easier said than done. It’s like anything which must be learned. I don’t know if this is any help or coming across wrong. I mean well.
    I hope you feel better.

    • It does help very much. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this comment for me. The decluttering I find to be very difficult as there seem to be so many triggers. One trigger seems to trigger the next one. When I have totally exhausted myself and I cant think anymore, that is when I might be able to shut this loop thought process down. Thank you again. I think the more knowledge and understanding I get, the better I should be able to help myself.
      *hugs*

      • I was never really designed to be too out-going – don’t get me wrong, I crave interaction and social environments but always kept it limited becasue of the hangovers from over-processing. During my time working with students, I found the classroom to be stress-free and safe; an environment that could be tuned to a single purpose – outside of it with the egos and co-workers and spite and politics eventually wore me down to the point, it was impossible to function because of the constant loops where I was trying to makew sense of behaviours, motivation, the contradictions – it was gruesome. It took a while to declutter properly. Writing sort of helped in as far as it at least gave structure to stuff which appeared not to have any – the off shoot of that was that it almost validated and made more subtle the issues I couldn’t put my finger on.
        I ended up limiting stimuuli altogether. Put down books, stopped writing – removed objects and colour from one room and passified my mind until I didn’t have the constant noise from trying to work through the unworkable. One thing at a time. Of course it’s not for everyone, but I eliminated all the people in my life, even some who I was quite fond of, who had personality types which added to the clutter. My health will always come first. Some people just aren’t worth being around – emotionally draining. Good luck – I think deep down we all know what needs to be done, it’s just it can be radical. Drop a line anytime.

  4. The only things that ever helped me get stabilized in my anxiety/depression were medication, exercise and expressing myself through art and music. Trying to have somewhat of a routine also helps a lot. But the racing thoughts I’ve been known to have in the past were helped by getting my hormones balanced with Progesterone! 😉 That has been a Godsend! I’m not quite sure I can relate to what you are describing. It sounds scary to me, and I’m sorry you go through this. I hope things get better for you soon!

  5. I know you do not write this to receive sympathy or comfort, even so I am sending a virtual hug your way, just as a reminder that I do care even if I have not experienced just what you are talking about. It reminded me of the feeling I have when my thoughts do not connect, I’ll write a post on that later today I think. My loops are like the train inside the bank in the Harry Potter novels, if you ever saw that! Love, Solveig

  6. Too much thinking is never good. Not thinking is a way of life for me. Mom says it’s because my brain is so tiny. That is fine with me. I hope you get out of the loop…. I wish I could sit on the couch with you. I love the couch.

    Love and licks,
    Cupcake

  7. Wow, I think what you are going through is awful, but I could not quite get it all as my mind was going through its own loop 😀

    Leaving joke aside, it’s amazing to realize that what I am going through does not only happen to me, not that I am happy it happens to any of us. But I understand. And I guess sometimes you just have to let it be… a background noise. I am trying to take it as such. And it is ok, I think the essence is to just accept it, and ignore it when possible. There’s no good answer. But writing about it and knowing that other people understand makes a difference.

  8. oh Michelle, I totally understand…I have secretly suffered from OCD since I was 14 years old ( I am now 49!) ..its a nightmare…generally its under control ( well its always there but its manageable) then a sudden trigger..usually fear or panic and it goes into overload..sometimes it can take half an hour to get out of the house just because I have to check and check again…whoever would have though ole Sugar was bonkers huh? …seriously Michelle I understand and I worry about you so often. my first fave blogger and your still my fave blogger….sending love your way C xxxx

    • You are always so sweet, Ceri, thank you. I completely understand about having difficulty leaving the house, and you’re not bonkers. You’re right though, anxiety does play a big part.
      *senidng hugs*
      xx

  9. the nice thing about posting exactly how you feel is that people can read it and move on – but someone might be touched by it.
    You’ll be ok. We’ll get through this thing called life.
    xxx

  10. HI Michelle. Have been reading your post and the comments. I thought this article from the BBC website on CBT might be helpful and informative to you and others. The link is http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/0/23590545 As a health professional, I do understand your situation and empathise with you. My thoughts and prayers for things to work out for the better. Keep positive my friend.

  11. I understand the “loops.” I don’t have OCD much anymore since the stroke, but I certainly remember thinking the same thoughts, doing the same things over and over for no really good reason and thinking how important it was that I do these things or think these thoughts. Yes, I understand…Be well.
    Scott

  12. That is such a gorgeous rose Michelle. Great shot hon!
    Those brain loops doesn’t sound like fun at all. Mine just shut down and then I can’t think or concentrate because of the Fibromyalgia and CFIDS but I know the feeling hon. My brain goes in overdrive when I want to sleep at night…then I think of everything I should have done or could have done and well, then there’s no hope. 😀
    Take care hon and know I am thinking of you. *big hugs*

Namaste. My soul honors your soul. I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honor the light, love, truth, beauty & peace within you, because it is also within me. In sharing these things we are united, we are the same, we are one.

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