Hidden secrets


A lot of the time, when I go into dark gear, people ask me why I write this stuff and put it out on the blog.  Well, I write it because I have to get it out.  It bothers some people because they think that some things should be kept secret, locked away.  They just don’t realize that the longer it stays stored the more it chews away and attacks your healthy psyche.   Then of course we get those who will berate me or give me a bit of a talking to for dwelling in the past.  What some don’t seem to realize is that the more you don’t face your demons, be they in the past or the present, they will eat you up whole.  Of course, we don’t live in the past, how can we when we are in the present, but we have to deal with those things that cause us to think in an unaligned way.

We have to fight our demons, look them dead in the eye and spit on them.  If I think back I realise that I lived my younger life under acute stress conditions.  My paternal father instilled a very great fear in me.  I had to keep secrets or my whole family would be damned.  I was never to say.  I tried once to say, but I was looked at with eyes that either did not want to believe me, or they did not want to know, or I was not worth doing something about it.

I got used to living in a nervous state, always watching his expressions, trying to know what to expect next.  Of course, this is impossible to do with a psychopath, they are a little unreadable.  So, when still a very young girl, I started drawing pictures of people, their faces, every little expression.  Sometimes these people I drew were very evil, and even I, the drawer of the picture would shudder.

The father hated my drawings.  I would draw in pencil and on any type of paper or board I could find, but he, when I was at school would “correct” my drawings with a blue ball point pen, fix the stuff which he thought was wrong.  I could not erase the ink of that blue pen of his.  He disliked my drawings, maybe because he saw pictures of himself there, and yet others thought that they were good, but they always looked at me queerly.  I knew the look was because the pictures were not all sweet and flowery, the way little girls should draw.  I was so angry when the father “fixed” my drawings that I tore them all up and threw them away…

Now some many years later, I go all dark and moody, as I do sometimes.  I paint now, not draw, but I don’t like them if they have not been sold or given away, I break the canvasses and destroy the work.  The simplest thing that occurred to me yesterday was how stupid I am not to realize why I have this urge to destroy my paintings so much…

photo credit: Gabriela Camerotti via photopin cc

46 thoughts on “Hidden secrets

  1. One thing art is supposed to do Esperanza – it’s to help you give your feelings a tangibility. Something you can both see and touch as opposed to only feeling.
    Maybe in destroying them, you are subconsciously destroying the feelings.
    Maybe, one day, you will be able to make sense of the things you have to deal with.

  2. Art is life my friend, your art defines you..the Michelle we have all grown so fond of here. My heart ached for you yesterday, today it aches more. You are an amazing, sweet gente souled lady always remember that Mich’ xxx

  3. With regards to people questioning why you mention stuff on your blog.. we are all rounded people and if we cant be honest then what’s the point? There is so much more to each and every one of than the rose tinted side of us that some choose to only show.

    I read somewhere (before I followed blogs) about an art project where participants were asked to paint something every day… not for keeping though, as the very next day they had to paint over it for their next instalment. I like this idea as you’re creating for the sake of creating and expressing, not for to be judged or admired by you or someone else.

    One last thought on feeling blue, it is completely acceptable to feel sad now and again, regardless of whatever the stimulus. You know you will feel better soon, so don’t be too hard on yourself and accept it for what it is, a propeller to make the good times even better!

    I hope that makes sense!

    Have you read The Invitation?


  4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Your life is in your hands and what you understand about the past is personal to you. I have been there and the past has broken mentally and my mental ill health has broken me physically but now i have more understanding than ever of where i have come from, so don’t let others put you down.

  5. Whatever you went through, I hope that you can now find peace. I understand writing so dark. After I lost my mom I wrote a lot of stuff about how I felt about losing her. It was depressing and sad and people even commented on how I should be more positive as that’s how I normally project myself. Well…sometimes even the most positive person can fall deeply into the dark. And that’s ok. It’s healthy to get it out. Just like you said. In fact, it’s why I started my blog and it’s even in my about section. You can be assured that your fellow bloggers understand even if the rest of the world doesn’t 🙂

  6. I’m glad you made the realization about destroying your artwork, Esperanza. Don’t forget that these posts are also works of art. We thank you for sharing with us. We are honored that you show all sides of who you are. We promise not to defile any of your art with a ball-point pen. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

  7. I support you in whatever struggles you have had. I agree, that it is human nature to hide things away that we feel might not be acceptable. Don’t hide anymore, you write beautifully, you think creatively and you know that regardless of any event that happened in the past you are appreciated just for being you!

  8. I am sooo sorry that you are destroying your paintings, Hopey! All I can do is sending you loads of hugs! I often do things that I can not even explain to myself!

  9. I agree about photographing and posting some of your paintings, but, perhaps, for a different reason. If you do that, then go ahead if you feel it and destroy them. They will still be around in the posts.

  10. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, no matter how painful they may be. We’re all made of light and dark, and it’s the dark sometimes that showcases just how bright our souls are.

  11. Thank you for posting this. I don’t think it’s the wrong thing to say at all. I hope that you are able to fight the urge to destroy your work. I know that urge, too. For many years I tried to create anything that would interest my dad, and it never did. I’ve destroyed most of my creations as well. I used to chalk it up to following in the footsteps of Kafka and Gogol, though that wasn’t it. I just didn’t think it was perfect-enough. … I hope you are doing well, and having a peaceful day.

  12. I so relate to what you say here, also would love to see the paintings. When we are used to living in a constant fight or flight, battle ready mode for years,it isn’t normal and it must be dealt with. I don’t look at it as living in the past and I think the older we get we are more able to see the past clearly for what is was rather than our perception living through it. I am hoping one day the clouds lift for you, forever. *hugs*

  13. I fully support you “getting it out”. I understand that completely.

    A very sorry picture, in a dress so pristine and beautiful. And your words bring sad thoughts, but also a natural care for you. Take care.

  14. If that’s how you come to terms and deal with your past, no one should have anything to say about that.
    And go you for dealing with it and not just bottling it up and ignoring it.

  15. I can relate on a poetry level… Recently I wrote a poem about one of the people from my past and then I scrunched it up and put it in the paper recycle. Later I pulled it out and let two close people read it. I felt better for telling the story in my own way. I will probably not post it and yet there is a part of me that says it may help others. It’s a tough call what is right for each person. We’re all individuals. I wish more people would speak up when they suspect abuse of any kind. We need more protectors and not perpetrators.

    Blessings ~ Wendy

Namaste. My soul honors your soul. I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides. I honor the light, love, truth, beauty & peace within you, because it is also within me. In sharing these things we are united, we are the same, we are one.

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