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Moment of Despair to Clarity

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Today’s prompt: Tell us about a time you’d been trying to solve a knotty problem — maybe it was an interpersonal problem, a life problem, a big ol’ problem — and you had a moment of clarity when the solution appeared to you, as though you were struck by lightening.

It is crazy how one can be manipulated for years and not realise it, and then suddenly, out of the blue, you realise.  Maybe I’m just a very slow learner, but the day I realised that threats were being hung over my head, was the day that I realised I was being manipulated…for years.  Unfortunately, I was already an adult when the penny dropped.  I was manipulated into keeping my silence about things in the past, right into adulthood.
I think it was second nature to accept the manipulation because I grew up with it.  No, I don’t have words to explain the emotions.  Even now, my emotional behaviour is a direct consequence of the manipulative and other abuse.  I would like to say it affects me in some ways, but it really affects me in many ways, yet I don’t want to acknowledge how much I still suffer the after effects.
Contrary to popular belief it has nothing to do with forgiveness, it has to do with dealing with the after effects and the defective emotional thinking.  I can forgive as much as I want, it sill does not take away the EFFECT.  The effect of abuse knows no time, it can live within your soul forever and a day.  I am tired.  Today I am tired.  Please don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t want sympathy.  I write this stuff because that is how I deal with it.  I might come back here to this post when I’m feeling better and delete the whole thing.

“Abuse manipulates and twists a child’s natural sense of trust and love. Her innocent feelings are belittled or mocked and she learns to ignore her feelings.”

“So she short-circuits them and goes numb. For many children, any expression of feelings, even a single tear, is cause for more severe abuse. Again, the only recourse is to shut down. Feelings go underground.”

Laura Davis,  Allies in healing. When The Person You Love Is a Victim Of Child Abuse.

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32 thoughts on “Moment of Despair to Clarity

  1. Pingback: Daily Prompt: Moment of Clarity | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss

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  3. Manipulation is very traumatic as is anything that affects a person who is abused. A positive step is that you have identified and are courageous to address your emotional hurts. I am sure that there are days when you are feeling low as a result of the hurts. At those times continue to believe that you will help yourself to overcome it one day. The many interests that you have and enjoy will also help you in the healing process. Love and big hugs, Michelle.

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  5. so true Michelle, to this day I’m still affected by my childhood, that knee-jerk reaction always tries to come out first. I have to fight it, too, every time. and I’ve done the forgiveness, but it still doesn’t change how we were formed. Love and light to you sweety! :)

  6. I know that feeling so well too Michelle. Being manipulated and abused stinks, whether it’s physical or emotional and a child do not understand where it’s coming from. They keep on believing it’s their fault. I wish I could make it all better for you but writing about it is good. Get it out and let it go. It’s sometimes not so easy but we do get there. :D *big hugs*

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

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