Reading the above really sent me on a huge thought trip. I didn’t actually quite know where my thoughts would end on this one.
Imagine accepting apologies from people who owe you an apology, but who would never actually give the apology – the apology would only be in your mind.
So my thoughts drifted here:
He is standing in front of me and he says:
“I am so sorry for what I did to you”
I feel no fear, because the intimidating attitude is missing. The sardonic laughter in his eyes when he commented about the things he did to me is gone too.
I ask the one question which has been on my lips and mind for years upon years:
“Why?”
He says:
“I don’t know why I was so cruel, why I despised you so much, but I had a need to punish you”
“Do you owe other girls/women apologies too or was it only me?” I will ask…
He will then give me the answer, whatever that answer will be.
But this mind role play is not working for me, because I don’t want a pretend apology … It’s got to be real and that will never happen.
You need to find a way to forgive him. Forgiving him doesn’t mean you condone his behaviour.
Once you have forgiven him he cannot control you (and your thoughts) anymore.
Then you will find peace of mind.
I know in my heart of hearts that you are so right Pussycat. I have to find a way to finally forgive him.
*hugs*
Very sad this Esperanza.
I’m going to say to you what I often say to my sister.
you have to learn to let go. Let go of the hurt, The anguish. The pain. The negativity he still sows in your life.
These are things only you can do – and as long as you allow him to, you will continue to get hurt by him.
So wish I could do something to help you…
I will find a way somehow ghiatjie. I can’t carry this any longer.
*hugs*
Even tho we say we forgive…Years later I’m still not at peace..It’s hard to really forgive!!
You undertand exactly then Lisa, I have the same … I think I have forgiven but then it becomes apparent that I have not
*hugs*
I know I won’t say the right things….and if i say them wrong forgive me…I agree with 68ghia….if there is any way possible…let him go…he is of no consequence…you have today and the future and you must embrace them and find comfort in them and be glad that he is the “past” of your life….keep your beautiful face pointed to the love that you get from your little one and the wonder of each new day….every time that your mind goes “there”…tell it no….and force it to focus on something else…even something so small as going to get your mail…making a cup of coffee or tea and make that mind of yours “mind”…….don’t give him any more power in your life…you have ALL of the power….make sure that you plan a little something “special” to look forward to……a very wise man once said to me..” be your own Santa Claus”….give yourself a little gift now and then…and remember that little something to look forward to…lunch out…your favorite cookie…or chatting with us…:)
Thanks so much Suzanne. I will try, I do try. As for saying the wrong and right things – you always say just the right things and I thank you for that.
*hugs*
I always hope to help….sometimes I “put my foot in it”…..I too have had to try..and the things that the gentleman told me did help over time…I just had to make it a habit….for me, it was the disappointment of my son drinking and driving and hitting two parked cars…..he has relatives with drinking problems and we had discussed this MANY times before he left for college…..some things were said between he and his father, not about this situation…they would never come completely “clean” about what was said..but it changed the way he felt about us…. he lives half way across the country from us…he calls on weekends and says very little..It’s as if I have mourned his death for ten years……so…..after a LONG period of time, I am finally having some success at letting him go…..and my life is better…he did not carry the same feelings of sadness that I did…and I finally just realized that I was doing this to myself and for what??….you can’t stop the mind and the heart…but, you can teach them new habits….
That is a deep sadness you’ve worked through Suzanne and as you said you cant stop the heart and the mind, but teaching them new habits – well, that makes sense to me, thank you for sharing.
*lots of hugs*
xx
xx
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” ~ Buddha
I’ve been where you are and for some reason these simple words just did it for me. The power you continue to give to this person is so much more than they deserve. First, I had to forgive myself for allowing the abuse. It became easier to let go after that because what he did had nothing to do with me, it was all his ‘stuff’ I hope that helps. Sending love your way.
It does help so much, thank you. I often see everything as being my fault, dont know why that is, but maybe just thinking it was his stuff, his problems will be a good mind shift.
*hugs*
I so agree with pussycat. Forgiving him will release you from such a lot of angst, and allow you to take back your power over the situation. It will release your mind from the need to re-create those painful past experiences. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. Hugs to you.
Thank you ad, it can be done and I must find a way to release my mind from everything.
*hugs*
xx
To forgive and forget is the most healthy thing one can do… if it is not forthcoming from one in a verbal way then one has to do it in your head… it ‘s the only way… otherwise that person wins again knowing you are suffering mentally… not easy but for your own health it has to be….
That is very true, thank you Bulldog.
*hugs*
Forgiving starts with distance. When you stop allowing the wrong party into the the dark recesses of your mind – when you are able to say to yourself: “I do not need to drag that person along any more. He does not contribute to my life, I have nothing I owe him.” Distance. Start there.
Thank you Amos … that is a good place to start. I will and have to try.
*hugs*
Best thing I ever read is to love yourself enough to not remain enmeshed with an abusive and unapologetic person by forgiving them and letting them go, release them from your heart. They will NEVER understand anyway. No logic involved.
You’re so right, they will never undertsand.
*Hugs*
The DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder are:
A. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of:
1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes
Is this your ex? I will guess it is. I have some great books that will provide immediate relief for you if it is. I was married to one for 20 years, it is 1 in 20 people. Let me know. Hugs.
This is not an ex, but a family member – still though, many of these points apply to him.
I am sorry, it is also my Mother, my ex’s etc. ad nauseum. You may benefit from the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Randi Kreger. You will probably feel immediate relief mentally. Good luck. Typically they tell you to run as far as you can from these people. However, given that it is a family member and harder to do that this book should be of great assistance in giving you some objectivity, mental distance and a tremendous amount of insight as to why they behave the way they do. Amazon should have it. That isn’t the full title and author but it should be enough to bring it up. Also, there is a web site called “Welcome to OZ” you may find interesting. Take care.
I will definitely look out for these two books. Thanks so much.
My husband used to said “you are in control of your thoughts, so change them’ That is something that really helped me in my life. I, again believe that it is so much easier to be happy than unhappy! But then I supose I was lucky always having him when times became difficult. I’ll think of you and tonight say a special prayer for you. Lovies Rita
Thank you dear Rita.
*hugs*
Thanks my friend.
*hugs*
It’s a lovely to think that one day we all may recieve the apologies that we all deserve…. but it’s so sad to realize that we all still, deep in our hearts need that which has never been given. It seems we all have so much more in common than we ever dare let ourselves acknowledge. Thank you for this post. It has really made me think.
So very true, thank you so much.
*hugs*
I like the quote Hope, though I still find it difficult to forgive without an apology…*hugs*
Yep, its not easy Cocoa.
*hugs*
I’ve heard that you must allow forgiveness as otherwise it eats you alive…it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I won’t ever get a live apology b/c he’s on the other side now, but I’m trying very hard to imagine it like you are and to accept it and move on. It’s hard. I know. xo
That is very sweet, thank you
*Hugs*
you got very good advice here … nothing i can add … just to say that i identify with you … i’m working through a process to forgive somebody and to stop hating them. i’ve never hated somebody, so it scared me when i realised it. but i’m going through the motions – i will get there. not worth it to walk around with these feelings. but also – nobody said it was easy to let it go …
Thank you for sharing, CMC. Its not easy to let go, but someday I think we will.
*big hug*
You need to find a way to forgive him. Forgiving him doesn’t mean you condone his behaviour.
Once you have forgiven him he cannot control you (and your thoughts) anymore.
Then you will find peace of mind.
I know in my heart of hearts that you are so right Pussycat. I have to find a way to finally forgive him.
*hugs*
Very sad this Esperanza.
I’m going to say to you what I often say to my sister.
you have to learn to let go. Let go of the hurt, The anguish. The pain. The negativity he still sows in your life.
These are things only you can do – and as long as you allow him to, you will continue to get hurt by him.
So wish I could do something to help you…
I will find a way somehow ghiatjie. I can’t carry this any longer.
*hugs*
Even tho we say we forgive…Years later I’m still not at peace..It’s hard to really forgive!!
You undertand exactly then Lisa, I have the same … I think I have forgiven but then it becomes apparent that I have not
*hugs*
I know I won’t say the right things….and if i say them wrong forgive me…I agree with 68ghia….if there is any way possible…let him go…he is of no consequence…you have today and the future and you must embrace them and find comfort in them and be glad that he is the “past” of your life….keep your beautiful face pointed to the love that you get from your little one and the wonder of each new day….every time that your mind goes “there”…tell it no….and force it to focus on something else…even something so small as going to get your mail…making a cup of coffee or tea and make that mind of yours “mind”…….don’t give him any more power in your life…you have ALL of the power….make sure that you plan a little something “special” to look forward to……a very wise man once said to me..” be your own Santa Claus”….give yourself a little gift now and then…and remember that little something to look forward to…lunch out…your favorite cookie…or chatting with us…:)
Thanks so much Suzanne. I will try, I do try. As for saying the wrong and right things – you always say just the right things and I thank you for that.
*hugs*
I always hope to help….sometimes I “put my foot in it”…..I too have had to try..and the things that the gentleman told me did help over time…I just had to make it a habit….for me, it was the disappointment of my son drinking and driving and hitting two parked cars…..he has relatives with drinking problems and we had discussed this MANY times before he left for college…..some things were said between he and his father, not about this situation…they would never come completely “clean” about what was said..but it changed the way he felt about us…. he lives half way across the country from us…he calls on weekends and says very little..It’s as if I have mourned his death for ten years……so…..after a LONG period of time, I am finally having some success at letting him go…..and my life is better…he did not carry the same feelings of sadness that I did…and I finally just realized that I was doing this to myself and for what??….you can’t stop the mind and the heart…but, you can teach them new habits….
That is a deep sadness you’ve worked through Suzanne and as you said you cant stop the heart and the mind, but teaching them new habits – well, that makes sense to me, thank you for sharing.
*lots of hugs*
xx
xx
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” ~ Buddha
I’ve been where you are and for some reason these simple words just did it for me. The power you continue to give to this person is so much more than they deserve. First, I had to forgive myself for allowing the abuse. It became easier to let go after that because what he did had nothing to do with me, it was all his ‘stuff’ I hope that helps. Sending love your way.
It does help so much, thank you. I often see everything as being my fault, dont know why that is, but maybe just thinking it was his stuff, his problems will be a good mind shift.
*hugs*
I so agree with pussycat. Forgiving him will release you from such a lot of angst, and allow you to take back your power over the situation. It will release your mind from the need to re-create those painful past experiences. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. Hugs to you.
Thank you ad, it can be done and I must find a way to release my mind from everything.
*hugs*
xx
To forgive and forget is the most healthy thing one can do… if it is not forthcoming from one in a verbal way then one has to do it in your head… it ‘s the only way… otherwise that person wins again knowing you are suffering mentally… not easy but for your own health it has to be….
That is very true, thank you Bulldog.
*hugs*
Forgiving starts with distance. When you stop allowing the wrong party into the the dark recesses of your mind – when you are able to say to yourself: “I do not need to drag that person along any more. He does not contribute to my life, I have nothing I owe him.” Distance. Start there.
Thank you Amos … that is a good place to start. I will and have to try.
*hugs*
Best thing I ever read is to love yourself enough to not remain enmeshed with an abusive and unapologetic person by forgiving them and letting them go, release them from your heart. They will NEVER understand anyway. No logic involved.
You’re so right, they will never undertsand.
*Hugs*
The DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder are:
A. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of:
1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, ie unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, ie takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes
Is this your ex? I will guess it is. I have some great books that will provide immediate relief for you if it is. I was married to one for 20 years, it is 1 in 20 people. Let me know. Hugs.
This is not an ex, but a family member – still though, many of these points apply to him.
I am sorry, it is also my Mother, my ex’s etc. ad nauseum. You may benefit from the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Randi Kreger. You will probably feel immediate relief mentally. Good luck. Typically they tell you to run as far as you can from these people. However, given that it is a family member and harder to do that this book should be of great assistance in giving you some objectivity, mental distance and a tremendous amount of insight as to why they behave the way they do. Amazon should have it. That isn’t the full title and author but it should be enough to bring it up. Also, there is a web site called “Welcome to OZ” you may find interesting. Take care.
I will definitely look out for these two books. Thanks so much.
My husband used to said “you are in control of your thoughts, so change them’ That is something that really helped me in my life. I, again believe that it is so much easier to be happy than unhappy! But then I supose I was lucky always having him when times became difficult. I’ll think of you and tonight say a special prayer for you. Lovies Rita
Thank you dear Rita.
*hugs*
Thanks my friend.
*hugs*
It’s a lovely to think that one day we all may recieve the apologies that we all deserve…. but it’s so sad to realize that we all still, deep in our hearts need that which has never been given. It seems we all have so much more in common than we ever dare let ourselves acknowledge. Thank you for this post. It has really made me think.
So very true, thank you so much.
*hugs*
I like the quote Hope, though I still find it difficult to forgive without an apology…*hugs*
Yep, its not easy Cocoa.
*hugs*
I’ve heard that you must allow forgiveness as otherwise it eats you alive…it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I won’t ever get a live apology b/c he’s on the other side now, but I’m trying very hard to imagine it like you are and to accept it and move on. It’s hard. I know. xo
That is very sweet, thank you
*Hugs*
you got very good advice here … nothing i can add …
just to say that i identify with you … i’m working through a process to forgive somebody and to stop hating them. i’ve never hated somebody, so it scared me when i realised it. but i’m going through the motions – i will get there. not worth it to walk around with these feelings. but also – nobody said it was easy to let it go … 
Thank you for sharing, CMC. Its not easy to let go, but someday I think we will.
*big hug*